


Love in Lyrics

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, Drama, Episode Related, Points of View, Romance, Season/Series 04, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-06-25
Updated: 2004-06-25
Packaged: 2018-12-26 20:06:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12066057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Set after Brian kicks Justin out for knowing about the cancer.  They come together, but in a different way.  The song in this chapter is Rainbow by Fefe Dobson.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

Brian fucking Kinney. One fucking ball. Wasn’t that the biggest pile of shit you ever heard?

He absently ran a hand over his crotch through the cloth of his jeans. It helped soothe the tightness of the stitches as they tightened after a shower. If anyone told him that he’d be dealing with this shit in the prime of his life he would have laughed in their fucking faces. Well…unless they were gay and hot…in that case, he would’ve fucked their asses so hard, they’d fell fucking ridiculous for even suggesting it…then he still would have laughed in their faces. Shit…even Jack, the asshole, had gotten a few more years before it hit.

Impotence. The doctor had used the word like it was nothing. 

_Now Mr. Kinney, you may experience some problems when it comes to sexual activities. You may find that you aren’t able to, rise to the occasion, so to speak. Don’t be alarmed. This sort of thing is expected after surgery of this magnitude to such a sensitive area. As it is, no strenuous physical activity is suggested for approximately one month post-op anyways. Well before then you should notice that you are ready to resume normal functioning. Now, with this form of testicular cancer, since we’ve caught it early enough, testicle removal with a follow up of radiation treatments is sufficient. You don’t have to worry about chemotherapy. Contrary to popular belief, radiation treatments to the groin area do not cause impotence or infertility either. What it does cause however is nausea,…_

Brian shut his eyes tightly and willed it all away. His thoughts, the different voices playing over and over in his head…the whole past fucking weeks since that fucking bet with Justin.

Justin.

_Why didn’t you tell me?! I thought we were partners!_

He laughed. Even in his own fucking head, the little asshole wouldn’t leave him alone. Running his hands over his face he remembered the events clearly.

_“GET THE FUCK OUT!”_

_Ripping the bag off the chair where it had been set, Brian stalked over to Justin, grabbing the boy roughly. He wasn’t thinking about the fact that he could be inflicting pain. He wasn’t considering the fact that Justin had been pretty damn considerate and understanding when it came to the whole situation. He didn’t rationalize in his head that Justin did in fact deserve an explanation because had the situation been reversed he would have wanted to know._

_None of that mattered._

_After shutting the door on his…shutting the door on Justin he stomped over to his little “bar” and poured himself two fingers worth of Beam. His quick movements pulled at his stitches, reminding him of the bullshit. Beam was out of the question. Letting out a pained, angry scream, he flung the glass at the wall across from him._

He wouldn’t forget the look on Justin’s face..the confusion, the hurt, and then the rage. But who the fuck did he think he was? It was none of his business despite what the little twat thought. It was Brian’s health, his body, his fucking insurance and doctor’s appointment. He didn’t need to concern himself with any of it. Then, running to Mikey…right after things with Vic were winding down.

Ok…so maybe he hadn’t run to Mikey, but still. It was the principle of the situation anyway. It was Brian’s choice who he told, not Justin’s. So he overheard it on the answering machine. Big fucking deal. It wasn’t his place to call fucking John Hopkin’s and request info on the doctor…but he was a resourceful piece of shit wasn’t he? He had to give him that much.

Brian grinned.

_What the fuck are you doing here?_

_Waiting for you . You won't answer the door, you won't return my calls …_

_Well that should be a hint ._

_Why won't you see me?_

_CYNTHIA! CYNTHIA!_

_Jesus Brian! What’s going on?_

_You can't just kick me out!_

_Watch me. I don’t want his calls, I don't want him in this office, and if he comes near me I want a restraining order, got it?_

The grin was short lived. The fucking twat just didn’t get it. It was clear for anyone else to see. Why couldn’t he? Right after his first radiation treatment too. He had to see him all fucking strung out after he got out of radiation.

It was bad enough that he had to live with the idea of losing a ball. He had just begun to stomach it. Regardless of the fact that it would look, feel, move like the real thing…the simple truth was that for the rest of his fucking life he would know that it wasn’t real. It was basically a bag of water sitting happily next to his dick. It was no longer Patrick and the twins down there, but Pat, one of the twins, and the newly acquired kid. There were fucking memories there, he’d been through a lot of experiences with that ball…through a lot of…asses with that ball; and no matter who didn’t know, and who couldn’t tell, he still fucking knew.

And now Justin knew.

The worst part was, he could stomach Michael knowing, he could stomach Ted knowing, he could even fucking deal with Emmett knowing, if it would mean that Justin would never find out. Sure vanity had a lot to do with it…when you looked like Brian Kinney…when you spent as much time as he did to look that way of course vanity is an issue. But it was more than that. There were 11 years 8 months and 19 days separating them. As unaffected and nonchalant as he tried to seem about that difference, how couldn’t be more concerned.

There were stronger, younger, hotter…ok…maybe not hotter…but…whole guys out there. Why the fuck would a 20 year old kid…no…man want to stay with a diseased, failing old queer when there was a world of guys out there…each equipped with the standard two testicles…not one and his almost real saline sack. Why would he stay? Why would Brian fucking expect him too?

And what if they didn’t catch it? Wasn’t that the problem with cancer? Isn’t that why everyone fucking hated the “C” word? Because it was a sneaky son-of-a-bitch that pretended to be gone until it popped again and made mush out of your fucking insides? Well, if that was the fucking case, then he’d be damned if he expected Justin to watch him become a weathered piece of shit. The kid had better things to do with his time…a lot more life to experience…and he wouldn’t experience it by sitting at his bedside.

Its what he would fucking do too. There was no denying that. If Brian slowly rotted from the inside, Justin would sit by him and hold his hand throughout the process. It was just the kind of person that Justin was. Brian could never chain someone down like that. It was bullshit.

Even if the kid didn’t sacrifice for him, well, he would end up leaving anyways. No one in their right fucking mind would stick around to watch their aging lover wither up and die. No one.

Groaning, Brian got up off the couch and moved to his bed. The nausea setting in from the earlier radiation treatments of the day combined with the fucking urge for one…just one cigarette were getting to be too much. He sought solace in his blue lights.

Yeah…blue. He changed them again. Blue was better for the moment. It was cold. Empty. Like Brian. Figuratively, and literally.

The problem with Justin started with the fact that Brian didn’t want him gone at all. No one should have to watch the person they love succumb to death or disease…but he fucking wanted Justin. When he was puking up the water he drank, he wanted to hear Justin’s voice murmuring in his ear, and Justin’s hands pushing his hair out his face and rubbing his back. He wanted Justin to lay with him in their…his…their bed and lay with him until he could fall asleep. Brian wanted to know that even if Justin wasn’t right next to him, that he was just in the living room watching TV. or in the kitchen making something to eat, or just on his way home from work. And that…just wouldn’t do.

It wouldn’t fucking do because people don’t fucking stay. And why should they? He wasn’t normal…he wasn’t right. Shit…his fucking parents couldn’t even love him. His sister just came when she needed something, and she had the fucking balls to call him a pedophile. Like he was Michael fucking Jackson or something. The only kid he ever slept with was 17 and willing. And had always stuck around…

But it didn’t matter. That wasn’t permanent. Nothing was permanent. The only permanent fixture a person could ever count on in their life was themselves. He had to make Justin go. It was the only way, because if Justin stayed and left later on, well, that would break him. Brian was fine with Justin not being around because it was his own doing. Justin hadn’t chosen it, it wasn’t his decision. It was Brian’s decision. Brian chose to not let Justin come around anymore. If just left because it’s what he wanted…because Justin didn’t want to be around anymore…well, that just couldn’t happen. It wouldn’t happen. Brian had seen to that.

And yet, the pain in the blue eyes haunted him.

Brian thought of a song that had been playing in the doctor’s office that day. It had reminded him of the whole situation with Justin. Maybe if he just…

No. That would be too fucking sappy. Too fucking….hetero.

But maybe…

Pulling himself out of bed, he walked towards his computer. Going with the word that had been in the chorus, he started a search. Finding it and downloading it, he listened to it the whole way through just to be sure.

Yeah…that was it.

A glance at the clock told him what he already knew. Justin was working a shift at the diner right now. It would be the perfect time to call…to leave a message.

He wasn’t asking the boy to come back. No. That wasn’t it at all. He just thought maybe…well, Justin knew him. Better than anyone else did. Yet, it was impossible to be immune to Brian’s bullshit all the time. Maybe this song could just, maybe it could just give him something Brian couldn’t all by himself. Emotions were still a touchy subject. The definition of that word was still being acquired in the Kinney vocab. 

The song though…maybe it could help. Maybe Brian fucking Kinney needed to take a chance…what did he have to lose? His other nut? It really couldn’t get any worse…

Well, it could…if he lost one thing for good then…No…it didn’t matter, because it wasn’t going to happen. Brian Kinney may be a lot of things…but a fucking pussy wasn’t one of them.

Dialing quickly before he lost his nerve, the familiar greeting came soon enough.

_“Hey, this is Justin! Leave one! If you really want me leave two! And if you STILL want me, and haven’t gotten me, then come get me!"_

Brian didn’t speak…he just hit play on the computer, and let the music speak for him.

_Your only a rainbow away_  
and I'm sitting here soaking wet, waiting for you  
Your only a rainbow, just a rainbow away  
and I'm reaching out hoping that you see it too 

_But telling you, that I'm no fool  
Cause I know what rainbows do_

_They fade away,_  
fade away,  
fade away, away,  
stormy days, found its way  
and I wish I could hold you now 

_I am only a rainbow away, my friend_  
And if you could see   
what others see  
You wouldn't feel so bad. 

_And I'm telling you_  
Cause I've been there too,  
that storms are like rainbows too 

_They fade away,_  
fade away,  
fade away, away,  
stormy days, 

_drift away,  
and may someone be holding you now._


	2. Love in Lyrics

He still couldn’t believe it. Out of all the things that Brian had done to piss him off, this was number one. Honestly, who the fuck did he think he was? What kind of partnership had they really had if the entire thing came to a halt because Justin was concerned about his well-being?

Cancer. It was FUCKING cancer. Not some little cut, or a bump, or a broken bone. This couldn’t be brushed off and it wouldn’t just disappear because he wasn’t told about it.

What if they didn’t catch all of it? What if he needed continued treatment? What if they couldn’t…

FUCK! Justin slammed the plate of food in front of the customer without realizing it. 

“Shit. Sorry about that…the plate was hot,” Justin muttered walking back towards the kitchen.

He wasn’t going to get through this by pondering “what if” situations in his head. All it would do is drive him crazy. He had enough to drive him crazy just wondering what the fuck went through Brian’s head most of the time, he didn’t need to add to it.

He really thought he knew what was going on this time. Their fucked up little relationship seemed to be on the right track. Well, if there was a right track for them. Long ago, he’d come to terms with the fact that him and Brian would never have the kind of relationship he’d grown up dreaming of. It wasn’t for him, it wasn’t for them. There was more to life than pretty words and romantic presents. Love went beyond the perfect set for a scripted monologue…his little romp with Ethan had proven that. Still, just because they had made the unconventional work for them didn’t mean that he welcomed all the fucking drama. Couldn’t life just work in their favor once? Sometimes it felt like their life was a TV series or something. Did this shit ever happen to other people in real life?

Somehow, he doubted it.

Hearing the bell signaling that his order was up, he picked up the plates of food and headed to the table to drop it off. Depositing the plates in front of the four young guys, he went to turn around and head back to the kitchen when he felt a hand on his crotch. Looking down at the hand, and following the length up to the face, he saw the guy wasn’t bad looking. Brian had told him they weren’t partners, not that it would have mattered if they still were anyway.

“Not interested.”

It wasn’t a false sense of fidelity or loyalty that made him turn down the guys offer. He had no illusions of monogamy. In fact, he didn’t mind indulging in tricks or group activities. Shit, he downright enjoyed them sometimes. One time he and Brian had…

Damn it! Everything always came back to Brian. He wasn’t some stupid faggot. He hadn’t expected Brian to hold his fucking hand, cradle him in his arms, and give him fake assurances about the situation. He just wanted the man to talk to him about it. 

It wasn’t a control thing. It wasn’t even about being nosy or just needing to be involved in every aspect of Brian’s life. He respected the fact that Brian needed to separate and just have two little worlds sometimes. It was about being an equal in a relationship where it seemed like someone was always having the upper hand.

And God damn it, it hurt! How was he supposed to feel knowing that Brian didn’t want to tell him? So what if he was the guy he fucked more than once? None of that mattered if Brian didn’t see him as a man. As an equal. As his partner!

Ok, so sure, getting Brian to use the word partner had been thrilling. It had been….amazing. The fact that Brian stopped flinching when the word boyfriend was used to describe Justin was more than he’d expected. It was just that…Justin knew, he truly knew, that with Brian actions spoke louder than words. So now that he had the words, what the fuck did the actions mean?

He smiled remembering his antics when he first hooked up with Brian. He basically stalked the man, never letting him really have a moment’s peace. He was the twink from hell. Sometimes he wondered…when he was lying next to Brian after one of their many great fucks he wondered, if he had to do it over, would he? Would he go through the humiliation, the torture, the pain, the aggravation, the bashing, the physical therapy, the permanent damage, Ethan fucking Gold…was it worth it?

Then, he would turn over and see the easy rise and fall of Brian’s chest and the beauty his face took on when it was completely relaxed because his mind was free; when the orange glow from the amber lights Brian had put in would fall lightly on his features and he would just be, or he‘d think about how Brian would link their hands as they came together, or how after every experience he would hold him briefly so tight - so close as if he was afraid for it to be over…it was then that he could answer his own question. 

Yes.

Despite everything that had happened, regardless of the problems, no matter what anyone had to say about them or their relationship, it was worth it. And he wouldn’t trade it for anything. No matter what anyone said, no matter what Brian did, no matter what might happen, he knew. Yes, he knew. Brian Kinney loved him. He might never hear the words, he might never get the card, and he sure as hell would never get a ring, but he knew. 

Who was he kidding with all these bullshit thoughts? Why was he doubting again? That’s what had gotten them in trouble in the first place. Granted, Brian’s act of “unselfishness” by pushing him away didn’t help, but you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

Shit…Justin smiled…Brian better never know that he applied that saying to him.

Brian didn’t have to take him back. By definition he really shouldn’t have. The Brian Kinney who didn’t give a fuck, who didn’t need, and who sure as hell didn’t want, would not have cared about the fact that Justin wanted in again. But his Brian…the real Brian, did. He wanted him, and regardless of how much Justin may have hurt him, hurt his pride and heart, he took him back.

These thoughts only served to aggravate him and as he came to a table, he slammed the glass down. Jumping at the loud sound, having not realized how hard he did it, Justin looked down and noticed it was the same guy he’d slammed the plate in front of.

“Too hot?” the guy asked throwing Justin’s earlier comment in his face as he smirked at the glass of ice water Justin had set down.

With a mumbled sorry Justin ducked his head and walked back to the register. Leaning on the empty counter space, he dropped his head into his hands and sucked in a deep breath. He needed to talk to Brian. He’d made a promise to Brian. They’d had a commitment. If Brian was blinded by his insecurity and fading self-confidence, that’s fine. It happens. Justin didn’t expect him to be a solid rock. What Brian needed to realize was, that it was ok to not be rock. Justin wasn’t going to leave just because things got rough. Because they stopped being easy.

Easy. Yeah right. When the fuck were things ever easy?

He would make Brian see this. If Brian’s piss poor attitude and bad pain management skills didn’t make him leave, why would the lack of a testicle? The man still had his dick. Justin had read up on the treatments and procedures for testicular cancer. Brian wouldn’t be impotent for the rest of his life. So he might not be able to partake in sex for a while. Big fucking deal. It would just mean that when he could, the orgasms would be that much more powerful…that much better. Not that they were ever bad.

Shaking his head, Justin laughed at himself. How did he walk himself around these thoughts? He started in one place, went all the way around, and wound up somewhere completely different. Sometimes he wondered if he had A.D.D. Then he realized that no…he just had love. It wasn’t supposed to be simple, it wasn’t supposed to be explainable, it wasn’t supposed to be easy…it just was.

Looking at his watch, he realized his shift was over. Walking over to April, Deb’s latest hire, he let her know that he was off. Walking towards the employee lounge to get his bag, Justin made up his mind to talk to Brian. He’d make him listen.

He lifted his bag and was about to head out when he heard a familiar chirping. It was the sound his phone made whenever he had a voicemail. Digging through his bag, he wondered who might be calling him. His breath caught in his throat as he read the display.

Missed Call:  
Brian Loft 1:42 p.m.  
1 Voice Mail

Holy. Shit.

Pressing the buttons to access his voice mail, Justin prepared himself for an angry message. What he wasn’t prepared for was what he got. He knew this song. He’d heard it on the radio. He didn’t think much of it at the time. It wasn’t his style. All of a sudden, it became one of his favorite songs in the world.

Saving the message, he threw his phone back in his bag and raced out the dinner. He couldn’t get to his apartment fast enough. He wasn’t going to Brian. Oh no. The man wasn’t ready for that just yet, but he would be. Justin would make sure.

The bus couldn’t get him home fast enough. When he finally got there, he raced up the stairs, threw open the door and headed straight for the stereo he and Daphne had set up in the living room. He knew which song he wanted, he just needed to find it. Throwing cases all over the place, he paused and looked up at Daphne when she walked into the room and asked,

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“Daph, you’re not going to believe it. Here, take my phone. Listen to the message I have saved. Fuck! Where’s that c.d.?”

Daphne just looked at him like he was crazy, but did what he asked. As the message played, she realized who the message was from when she heard the recorded voice giving the callback number. Not knowing what to expect, she was shocked to hear the soft song playing. Even more shocked when she paid attention to the lyrics.

“Holy shit.”

“Yeah. My thoughts exactly.”

“Well, now you definitely know that he loves you!”

“Daph, I always knew. I’m just a twat who forgets sometimes,” he replied laughing.

Giggling with him, Daphne bent down to look at the c.d.’s Justin was going through.

“Which one are you looking for? Do you know?”

Finding what he was looking for, he held it up to Daphne triumphantly.

“Justin, that’s a Disney movie soundtrack.”

“Listen to this song Daph, its perfect.”

He played the song he had in mind for her. By the end of it she was grinning right back at him.

“Perfect.”

Justin picked up the phone and dialed the loft.

“Please don’t answer…please don’t answer…” he begged silently.

________________________________________________________________

Brian thought he heard the phone ringing as he rinsed his mouth out and washed his face. This puking thing was getting old. Fuck it. They could talk to the machine.

_“This is Kinney. Leave a message.”_

_Then he heard it._

_I hear the wind call your name_  
The sound that leads me home  
It sparks up the fire - a flame that still burns   
To you I'll always return   
I know the road is long but where you are is home  
Wherever you stay - I'll find a way  
I'll run like a river - I'll follow the sun  
I'll fly like an eagle - to where I belong 

_I can't stand the distance - I can't dream alone  
I can't wait to see you - Yes I'm on my way home _

_Now I know it's true_  
My every road leads to you   
And in the hour of darkness darlin'   
Your light gets me through 

_You run like a river - you shine like the sun_  
You fly like an eagle  
You are the one I've seen every sunset  
And with all that I've learned  
Oh it's to you - I will always return 


End file.
